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Gently through the melancholia

By now, the emotional sensations of a long-distance relationship have a sad sense of familiarity. Numbness and distraction in the first week following separation, then a feeling of sad melancholy in the second week, then a leveling-off as solo routines become re-established. The long distance is hard because it alternates between too much stifling closeness and then a vast gap of uncertainty.

But it's not all about the relationship, either. I'll be moving up to Lincoln, Nebraska, in slightly less than two weeks, as I've noted before. Since I'll only be there for six months, I still have to continue investing energy in the project of "What comes after that?" which throws me back to, "What am I doing with my life?", a question without an easy answer.

I finally made it to the "telephone interview" stage of the academic job application process, in a single case, which might be thrilling except it also represents something of a narrowing of future choices, because I can't help but take commitments seriously. I want to try and bring a sense of grace to the process, to the extent that I can, which is hard to do when under the lens.

I've also been fortunate to have some precious hours to work on a leafcutter manuscript over the past couple of days - enough time to get past the "Now where was I?" stage and into the stage of chugging through some of the work, but I still don't know how long it's going to be before I can send this paper off into the universe.

I can't help but doubt my decisions.

Comments

( 4 remarks — Remark )
randomdreams
Jan. 22nd, 2015 02:56 am (UTC)
People who don't doubt their decisions are terrifying, and get into so much trouble. Dunning-Kruger and all that.
I'd really like to make a trip out and meet up with you at some point, more likely when it's warm enough to ride.
rebeccmeister
Jan. 22nd, 2015 01:42 pm (UTC)
Yes! I'm going to be in Lincoln until the end of July, or thereabouts, so there should be time for some shenanigans. The Nebraska brevets are concentrated in April and May (April 18, 25; May 9, 23), so those particular weekends are going to be pretty busy. I also need to plan a trip up to Minneapolis at some point, and probably a trip to Iowa, and maybe even an expedition to Missouri...so something tells me time is going to fly by. :-)
randomdreams
Jan. 23rd, 2015 04:11 am (UTC)
Possibly a trip to Colorado?
Okay, spring sounds good. We can come up with something.
rebeccmeister
Jan. 23rd, 2015 03:43 pm (UTC)
Yes, possibly a trip to Colorado! Depending on my employment situation after Lincoln, I might travel out that way again towards the end of August, en route to Washington, too.
( 4 remarks — Remark )

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