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No non-awkward way

I am thinking back to the point when S and I first started dating, when it felt like it took weeks just to wrap my head around the notion that I had a boyfriend. Somehow it feels like the inverse emotional processing and vocabulary will require the same sort of time.

It is interesting to note that the last time I went running was right after Zack disappeared.


( 18 remarks — Remark )
Mar. 14th, 2015 02:09 am (UTC)
Wait, am I misreading this? because I infer a break-up from it.
Mar. 14th, 2015 07:01 am (UTC)

No, you're not misreading, sigh. It's a pity because I kept thinking it would be great if you got to meet him, but anytime I brought up the idea it was dismissed. We don't always get what we want in life.

Mar. 14th, 2015 04:07 pm (UTC)
Well, poop. I'm really sorry to hear that.
I hope you're doing okay.
Mar. 14th, 2015 04:04 am (UTC)
Ah, sympathy. That's hard. I had a lot of those; I am here to talk if talking helps.
Mar. 14th, 2015 07:06 am (UTC)

Thank you. It has really helped to be able to read what you write and articulate about many related subjects. I think I need to now think more about meeting more women who knit bicycles and ride them to the cafe to drink tea and talk about books. I have generally found great fulfillment in such relationships (platonic so far; not setting specific expectations at this point as it is an underexplored side of my sexuality).

Mar. 14th, 2015 03:53 pm (UTC)
I'm glad it was a help! I'm still thinking it all through, but writing and talking about it helps me figure out where I am. It's really nice to know that it helps other people too.

I'm still gobsmacked that anyone knits bicycles to the cafe IN WINTER in Nebraska. [grin] So perhaps you're in the nest of badass bicycle knitters. I feel like I can't even complain about it raining all day for my road bike ride here; that's annoying but not remotely in the same class of hardcore.
Mar. 18th, 2015 02:37 pm (UTC)
I guess maybe I'm slightly less gobsmacked because the idea that people do it in WINTER isn't as new to me...on some of the brevets in Arizona, I got to know a crazy hardcore awesome bicyclist from Minnesota who had some interesting stories about doing wintertime brevets in Minnesota. So not only was she bicycling in the winter there, she was doing it FOR FUN. When it has been really cold here, I'll wrap up and ride for the sake of trying to get places expediently, but I'm not quite as enthusiastic about the idea of simply going out to ride.

The only thing that makes me go out and ride anyway is the thought that I'll eventually suffer less on the brevet series this spring if I get my legs on NOW. Hopefully I'll write a bit more on that subject sometime soon (because hoo boy interesting ride dynamics here already...), but at the moment I need to let the blog posts rest where they are for a day or two or three.
Mar. 18th, 2015 02:38 pm (UTC)
And I should add...once a person goes out and does these things and discovers that no, she isn't actually going to die, but yes, better gear and preparation might be a good idea...it becomes more tempting to try at it again. I think you can relate to the urge to keep pushing those comfort margins. :-)

And occasionally there are those cases where one goes out and tries these things and then goes, OH HELL NO and moves on, relieved to have survived.

Edited at 2015-03-18 02:39 pm (UTC)
Mar. 14th, 2015 04:21 am (UTC)
The idea of being on your own vs being alone, and the difference of needing vs preferring company, are conversations we have had in depth. At this moment, I tell you: you are not alone. We hug you, and hold you, and are here for you.
Mar. 14th, 2015 07:09 am (UTC)

I thank you, again. I really feel a certain sense of being on my own this time, realizing I was more alone when still in the fragments of the 'relationship.'

Mar. 14th, 2015 11:48 am (UTC)
I hope it does not hurt to hear that I am breathing a slow sigh of release and relief for you. The words for one's passing into being on their own is a vocabulary that while unique to each person, each parting, all others who have been through the journey recognize as the lingua franca of transitions of the heart.

I love you fiercely, my dear, and am here to listen to your words, however awkward they may be.

Mar. 14th, 2015 12:40 pm (UTC)

Thank you. You are a great comfort to me and one of those of whom I speak when talking about those whose experience in relationships I look towards for guidance.

Mar. 14th, 2015 12:54 pm (UTC)
That is a lot to wrap one's head around. I am sorry.
Mar. 14th, 2015 04:52 pm (UTC)
i am very sorry RMC and i can imagine how much upheaval you're feeling. i have no good postrelationship advice because i have only ever been indifferent or terrible at it. however i want to say that i am also excited for your freedom and i honestly believe this could be a positive thing once it is firmly in hindsight. please call if you feel like talking! xoxo
Mar. 15th, 2015 12:26 pm (UTC)

I am deeply sad by this. But I also had to look back and ask myself if the repeating spiral of negativity was good for either of us. I cannot deny another person his feelings, but when I have to ask myself if the relationship is good for either of us and I cannot answer yes, I think I have to do this very painful thing. As I last wrote to him, there's no relationship without relating.

I don't think I will date again for a very long time, if ever. I know a lot of people might feel that way at this stage of grieving, but I look at my personality, physiology, life circumstances, and history, and am just left thinking I will have to think about what other aspects of this human life experience I can focus on. Having never dated for the first 28 years of my life I know there are other sources of meaning to cultivate.

Mar. 15th, 2015 01:19 am (UTC)
what hard times. identity shifts.... I have to think we'll all land on our feet.
Mar. 15th, 2015 02:07 am (UTC)

I hope so. Very hard in the tender moments.

Mar. 16th, 2015 11:16 pm (UTC)

In reading your posts and the subsequent comments I am struck by what a wonderful group of friends you’ve gathered in your life travels. That is testament to them (for being awesome people) but most importantly to you, for being an interesting, thoughtful, and remarkable person. The end of a relationship, and the loss of both friend and partner, is horrible and awful. Matters of the heart are emotionally and physically painful and I’m sorry that you’re in the midst of it. It is my hope that you be kind to yourself during this time, rely on your friends and family, and know that you are loved by many, many people.

Thinking of you often,

( 18 remarks — Remark )

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