?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Depressive Reality

I think I am figuring out that at least some of the present insomnia is allergies, once again. Thanks, spring. I mean, I feel shitty and all but it's out of sync with the emotional processing.

Sometimes I *can* feel the shift in my emotions, like the snap of a rubber band or a pinging sensation. Friday there was an unexplainable sense of relief, this morning it is that sensation that says, "REACH OUT TO HIM" with every fiber but right now I just don't know if I trust my emotions and I don't want to be a chain-rattler. I have to sit and wait. Those two emotions are at opposite ends of the spectrum, bracketed by a deep anger that tells me that I am hurting and that I care. The opposite of love is ambivalence. Interspersed with a horrible quantity of mucus production from the unending crying. I had to sink-wash 8 bandanas yesterday, and let me tell you, snot is gross.

I've heard on numerous occasions that depressed people actually tend to have a better grasp on reality than non-depressed people, but in such reports nobody ever seems to just up and ask, "Yeah, but is that a good thing?" Its prevalence suggests that either selective pressure against it has been relaxed (in the same sense that it has been relaxed for many other diseases, through modern medicine and technology) or there is something beneficial to it that keeps the propensity around, at least in minor variants, not extremes. This doesn't exactly answer the question either. I know when I am on the edge of those lows sometimes it feels like I can channel more intellectual capacity, but I also manage to stay out of the bleak realm of "unable to cope."

There was one striking episode in Texas where S's emotions took him for a ride so suddenly that I trace the memory back to a single timepoint, lying in bed while he was on that rollercoaster, trying to get some company* and mad that I wasn't saying anything. I guess that, like another friend of mine, I don't know the right thing to do under such circumstances, from a cognitive behavioral therapy standpoint, which was why I was so quiet, but that explanation was swiftly shot down by the subject.  There's no consulting nurse phone line to call up for that kind of question, as best as I can determine (the consulting nurse is for those embarrassing times when you can't decide if it's appendicitis or just a really bad gas bubble and the internet sure ain't helping). The best I could come up with was what thewronghands articulated in a recent comment, time. And in time he came out of it and we could talk.

It's so hard for us humans to just come out and talk about these things, still, and I don't take the project of writing about this stuff lightly and it is filtered on some level, I hope akin to the way in which the author of Hyperbole and a Half was eventually able to write and draw about her experiences with depression. I take the Christian Science Monitor's motto pretty seriously in that regard (though a less sexist version), "to injure no one, to bless all humankind."

-I feel I have to reiterate my policy that this blog is about me and any requests for removal of personal identifying information will be honored, including of S.

*hope the meaning is clear-emotional company in that he wanted me right there with him in unhappiness-because I sure wasn't going anywhere in a physical sense

Comments

( 5 remarks — Remark )
annikusrex
Mar. 16th, 2015 05:32 pm (UTC)
Re "I've heard on numerous occasions that depressed people actually tend to have a better grasp on reality than non-depressed people, but in such reports nobody ever seems to just up and ask, 'Yeah, but is that a good thing?'"

Here are a few references to people asking just that!http://www.newyorker.com/science/maria-konnikova/dont-worry-be-happy

Re "Its prevalence suggests that either selective pressure against it has been relaxed (in the same sense that it has been relaxed for many other diseases, through modern medicine and technology) or there is something beneficial to it that keeps the propensity around, at least in minor variants, not extremes. This doesn't exactly answer the question either. I know when I am on the edge of those lows sometimes it feels like I can channel more intellectual capacity, but I also manage to stay out of the bleak realm of 'unable to cope.'"

Not sure if I actually recommend this article (though maybe it's just my bias about the author showing through--which is perhaps unfair, he's a good writer, just prone to repeating himself :)), but this seems relevant:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magazine/28depression-t.html
rebeccmeister
Mar. 16th, 2015 06:09 pm (UTC)
Hmm, perhaps I should have gotten that New Yorker subscription back in 2010. Thank you for the references.

The comparison of depression to chronic pain seems apt. And hmm, "expressive writing."

I've definitely experienced that element of hyper-focus when in depressive moods, and as with bipolar people who miss the creative highs when they are medicated, I do feel there's some value in channeling that energy.
rebeccmeister
Mar. 18th, 2015 02:30 pm (UTC)
And also, thank you for pointing out to me that I was wrong about this not getting any coverage in the media. Sometimes it's good to be wrong.
shellynoir
Mar. 16th, 2015 09:17 pm (UTC)
i have nothing useful to add so I'm sending you this:

DogVacay
Neighborgoods
Spinlister

Since you are depressed you can tell me what is wheat and what is chaff. Also, is 7% ROI every year even reasonable? My IRAs suck.
(Anonymous)
Mar. 17th, 2015 04:23 am (UTC)
It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all
The opposite of love's indifference
(with thanks to the Lumineers)

What you are doing - here, with this blog - is what you need most right now: trying to find the stable ground in the midst of the rollercoaster. You have a safe place to express your feelings - all of them that you wish to share - without judgement, and with support.

prrrsss...
( 5 remarks — Remark )

Latest Month

August 2018
S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031 

Tags

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Naoto Kishi