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Morning run

When the alarm goes off, there's no denying it: I am awake.

I step out the front door, telling myself I don't really have to run, I can just walk, but I need to move my body so I can think as I move.

The Dawn Chorus greets me as I step outside.

Eventually, I start to run.

I want to keep running until I can't think any thoughts anymore.

I'm not a runner.

A runner approaches from the other direction, carrying a small light. She greets me as she goes past. She must think I'm a runner. Another group of runners goes past, carrying small lights, too, and they greet me, too.

In all the years of running to rowing practices in the dark of the morning, I have never carried small lights. I am wearing a black t-shirt.

I decide I will keep running along the trail until I reach something, then I will turn around. I run past a giant ZOO sign, illuminated in blue.

I run under a second underpass, then up the other side, then I turn around.

I find a lucky penny on the sidewalk on the way home. It matches with the handful of other lucky pennies I found while bicycling through that area yesterday - battered, as though it has spent time out on the road, being run over by cars. Not battered beyond recognition. Yet.

I have not outrun my thoughts. The same sadnesses loop over - the knowledge that we are all born alone, we all die alone. The knowledge that I can't fix everything that has broken. The knowledge of the things that cannot be known. The knowledge of the ways we re-write our own stories. The knowledge that our physical bodies buffer us against these great sorrows, so that sometimes we cannot feel the things we want to feel and that we know are present.

Comments

( 8 remarks — Remark )
dichroic
Apr. 2nd, 2015 05:41 pm (UTC)
I wish I could run. Every time I try I end up sore. (In bad ways, not muscles-getting-used-to-this ways).
rebeccmeister
Apr. 2nd, 2015 07:29 pm (UTC)
Have you been evaluated by anyone?

If I haven't run in a while, and start up again, I often have problems with shin-splints.

I also discovered very early on, that I have major problems with foot pronation due to high arches, so I got evaluated for the correct shoe shape and type, and have religiously stuck to that type. Whenever I've deviated, I've had problems.

It's also much better for one's joints to run on trails, which really slows down the running (more like speed hiking?), BUT builds up stabilizing muscles and causes much less traumatic impact to the joints. Since I'm on pavement at the moment, I'm not pushing myself to cover any specific distance, and I'm very gradually adding distance.
dichroic
Apr. 2nd, 2015 11:20 pm (UTC)
No, I haven't. I think what I really would need is a coach to tell me what I'm doing wrong. It's more than just first-timer woes, though; I have some experience with what those feel like, and anyway they continued to increase after I was a few weeks into Couch to 5K last fall.

I'm sure trails would be better, but I don't think there's one close enough to be practical for after work.
gfrancie
Apr. 2nd, 2015 06:17 pm (UTC)
The thoughts won't be lost, but they certainly get a good tangle.
rebeccmeister
Apr. 2nd, 2015 07:30 pm (UTC)
YES.
gfrancie
Apr. 3rd, 2015 11:48 am (UTC)
Mostly I wear my brain down a bit so it can't catch its breath and be a total asshole.
bluepapercup
Apr. 2nd, 2015 10:53 pm (UTC)
I had a terrible, crushing breakup in the spring of 2009, and I didn't know how to deal with the unresolvable blocks of anguish floating in the depression tea. I was a full-time grad student at the time, so every time I was at my apartment and started to feel the anguish coming on, I went for a run, even if it was just around the block. It didn't make me less anguished, but it was as though the running processed it through my liver faster, so the pain passed sooner.

rebeccmeister
Apr. 3rd, 2015 02:09 am (UTC)
I remember that period, and the walks and runs. You were going through so much at that time.
( 8 remarks — Remark )

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